


Son of 20 Questions--Movie Night

by jdrush



Series: 20 Questions [6]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes (Downey films)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 12:12:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11577840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jdrush/pseuds/jdrush
Summary: Sherlock and John watch a movie.  Or is it?





	Son of 20 Questions--Movie Night

TITLE: Son of 20 Questions--Movie Night  
AUTHOR: J.D. Rush  
FANDOM: Sherlock BBC1  
PAIRING: Sherlock/John  
RATING: PG, for boykissing  
SUMMARY: Sherlock and John watch a movie. Or is it?  
DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to Sir. A.C.Doyle and BBC1. "Sherlock Holmes" belongs to Warner Brothers.  
SPOILERS: MEGA spoilers for the movie, "Sherlock Holmes", including the surprise ending. Just a head's up.  
WARNING: Um, I’m a bit critical of this movie. I apologize.   
AUTHOR‘S NOTE: Slightly AU. . .in this world, "Sherlock Holmes" would have been released for Christmas, 2010, not 2009. Sorry, but it’s the only way this story can work, seeing as how John would have been in Afghanistan during the production of the movie--and had never even met Sherlock Holmes at that point. Just run with it, people.  
AUTHOR’S NOTE #2: Oh what a difference a few years makes. I adore this movie now, and Robert’s performance as Holmes. I probably wouldn’t have even thought to write this now. Still, it’s kind of cute, and one of my favourite ‘20 Questions’ stories.

 

*John, excitedly charging into the kitchen* "Sherlock! Come here. You've got to see this!"

"I’m in the middle of a delicate experiment. . ."

"Forget that. Look at this." *hands over a copy of the DVD, ‘Sherlock Holmes’ *

"What the . . they made a movie about us?"

"That’s what it looks like. It came in today’s post. No return address. Appears to be a promotional copy."

"They can’t do that!"

"Well, they did."

"I didn’t give them permission to use my name."

"Neither did I. But maybe someone found your website. . ."

". . .or your blog. . ."

"And decided to make a movie. Since we’ve put our lives out on the internet for anyone to see, perhaps they didn’t need permission."

"Of course they needed permission. I think we’ve got a lawsuit on our hands."

"I don’t know--I think kind of flattering, actually. Never thought anyone would make a movie about me."

"And who do they have playing you?"

*reads back of box* "Jude Law."

"That‘s a stupid name. Sounds made up."

". . ."

"What’s that look for?"

"Nothing."

"I’ll have you know Sherlock is a long-standing family name. Quite respectable." *bristles* "Until recently, of course."

"I’m sure. Look, there’s nothing on telly tonight. We’ll just throw this in the machine and check it out. Who knows, it might not be so bad."

"John, I’ve read some of those so-called fanfic stories floating around about us. Of COURSE it’s going to be bad!"

"Fanfic?"

"Fictional stories about our lives written by our fans, hence the word ‘fanfic‘. Apparently you and your comfy jumpers have quite a following."

"How do they. . .forget it. Just take a seat and let’s see what there is to see."

*PUTS DISK IN MACHINE AND HITS ‘PLAY‘; FIVE MINUTES LATER*

"What the. . .this is set in the 1880’s! Why would they do something like that?"

"Artistic license, perhaps. You’ll have to ask the writer." *pause* "Sherlock, what are you doing?"

"Trying to track down the author of this drivel."

"Put down the laptop and watch the movie!"

*FIVE MINUTES LATER*

"So. . .the blond bloke with the mustache is you."

"Apparently, yes."

"Then. . .the dark haired one is supposed to be me."

"It seems that way."

*huffs* "I’m not impressed."

"It just started, Sherlock. Give it a chance."

"I would, except I don’t recall reading about too many gunfights in Victorian London."

"It makes for an exciting action sequence."

"John, this is Merry ol’ England, not the Old West."

"If you’re going to nitpick every moment of this movie, it’s going to be a very long night."

*pouts* "Fine."

*FIVE MINUTES LATER*

"Oh, please! Okay, so I shot up our sitting room wall. Once. It was only five little bullet holes."

"In the pattern of a smiley face."

"I had a very good reason."

"Right. I’ll have to remember to use ‘boredom’ as a mitigating circumstance the next time I get an ASBO."

*glares* "You shouldn’t have written about it in your blog--then they wouldn’t have put it in this silly movie."

*puzzled* "But, I DIDN’T write about it."

"And how dare they drag Mrs. Hudson into this mess. That woman is a saint."

"She’d have to be, after such a long association with you."

"This is outrageous! I would NEVER treat her that way, like a common. . . wait! Did he just call that dog Gladstone?"

"I believe so. Can’t imagine why they gave us a dog, although I suppose marketing would show a cuteness factor that they believed would sell . . ."

"I had a dog named Gladstone when I was a child!"

"I didn’t know that. You've never mentioned it before."

"Well, it was only a plush puppy. Mummy wouldn’t let me have a real one after what happened to the hamsters."

"The hamsters?"

*chagrined* "It was an accident."

"I don’t want to know."

"And besides, it was partly Mycroft’s fault. Not that anyone believed me." *mutters under breath* "Annoying tosspot."

"Well, I do have to say that at least they did a good job replicating our flat. Scarily similar, in fact."

"Which is more than I can say for their misguided casting of my namesake. I look absolutely NOTHING like this man!"

"Well, they ARE just actors representing us. I mean, I've got a mustache, after all."

"John--his hair is greasy, he hasn’t shaved in a fortnight, his clothes are ill-fitting and *shudders* mismatched. I would never be seen looking so slovenly. And he’s at least ten years older than me if he is a day. What were they thinking?"

"I honestly have no idea."

"Who is that playing me, anyway?"

"Robert Downey, Jr."

"Never heard of him."

"He’s very big in America."

*deadly pause* "I’m being represented. . .by an American?"

"A popular American, yes. Quite a famous actor. Has won awards."

"That hardly matters! He’s American, and I’m not. It’s just wrong!"

"But he’s a star. They use stars to sell movie properties to the studios all the time."

*sulkily* "YOU got a British actor. Surely they could have found one for me."

"If they had looked, yeah. There are some very good British actors out there in your age range."

"Who would you have cast?"

"Oh, I don’t know. David Tennant, maybe. Laurence Fox. James McAvoy is quite good. Or there’s Benedict Cumberbatch. . ."

*rolls eyes* "That name is DEFINITELY made up!"

*FIVE MINUTES LATER*

*chuckling* "I don’t recall ever being introduced to your fiancée, John."

"I can’t believe. . . How the HELL did they find out about Mary?"

"Wait. You mean to tell me you that you WERE actually engaged?"

"Years ago. My second year at uni. It was only a couple of months--at a time when we were under the mistaken impression we’d want to shag each other more than a few dozen times."

"So why write her into the film?"

"Probably to add some kind of romance. Get the ladies interested in the story."

"Well, if they wanted romance, they didn’t have to invent a fake fiancée for you. They could have just told the truth--that we’re lovers and we go on adventures together."

"They already made that movie. It was called ‘Brokeback Mountain’."

"We should be watching THAT!"

"Next time. Ah. . .and she tosses a glass of wine in your face. About time. Must be the Victorian version of ‘piss off’."

"Well, I deserved it. I mean, HE did. He’s rude, boorish, inconsiderate, condescending, egotistical, and an utter arse."

"Yes, they did do a remarkable job of capturing your personality."

"Keep that talk up, and you’ll find an ear in your oatmeal tomorrow morning."

*FIVE MINUTES LATER*

"You know, there is one bright side to all this. As badly as we’re coming off, it’s nothing compared to poor Lestrade. They’re making the whole of Scotland Yard out to be the Keystone Kops."

"So, they got ONE thing right. I‘m still suing."

*FIVE MINUTES LATER*

"Hmmm. . .you never told me you were a gambling addict, John. Sex addict, perhaps. . ."

"Oh, ha-ha! Look who’s talking! And for your information, I’ve never gambled in my life except when I accepted your offer to live here! I work too hard for my money to just fritter it away."

"They must’ve had a reason to include it. . ."

"Yes, they’re hacks, just as you said."

*knowing smirk* "Surely there were times you may have been tempted, though."

*sighs* "Okay, there were some card games while I was stationed in Afghanistan. There’s not much to do in the middle of the desert. How that gets turned into a gambling problem where I can’t pay my share of the rent is beyond me. I’m highly offended."

"It seems someone forgot to tell the film makers about your virtuous nature."

*reaches for the remote* "I’m thinking we should just turn this twaddle off."

*stills John’s hand* "No, no. . .I want to see what other deep dark secrets you have, Doctor Watson."

*HOLMES, SHIRTLESS, IN A BOXING MATCH*

*chuckling* "Oh, that’s rich."

"I fail to see what’s so funny, John. I’m quite an accomplished fighter. And at least this American fellow has a good body, so they got THAT part right."

"No, no. . .it’s just. . .the girl. Distracting you like that. As if a woman would ever catch your eye."

"Nonsense. I‘ll have you know many women have caught my eye over the years." *sly grin* "And one ex-army doctor."

*blush* "Lucky me."

"Indeed." *leans in for a kiss, which leads to another, which leads to a sloppy, full-contact 10-minute snogfest*

*breathless* "God, you’re good at that, Sherlock."

*humming* "Hm, I know. Good at other things, too."

*flirting* "Tell me more."

*smirk* "I’ll be glad to show you, once this abomination is over."

"Oh! The movie! I completely forgot. . ." *backs up disk to fight sequence*

"Don’t bother, John. . .it hardly matters."

"No, I want to know who the mystery woman is."

"Probably the girlfriend of the producer."

"But I think she’s important to the plot."

"I hadn’t realized there WAS a plot. . .wait! Did he just call her Irene?"

"Yes. Irene. . .Apple or Adder or something. . .."

*stunned* "Adler. Irene Adler. Impossible. I haven’t thought of her in ages."

"Another lost memory dredged up from our pasts. Uncanny. Who was she?"

"Brilliant, infuriating, cunning, dangerous. . ."

"Sounds like your kind of bird." 

"She befriended me, ingratiated herself in my work, picked my brain, then stole my ideas and ran off with the glory."

"That’s awful!"

"Never trusted another female again, except for mummy. And Mrs. Hudson, of course."

"What did she get away with?"

"A first place ribbon."

"Uh. . ."

"My comprehensive school science fair. She nicked my project. Most devious little 7 year old you ever met."

"Oooookay. . ."

*LOTS OF PLOT; LOTS OF MUTTERING BETWEEN JOHN AND SHERLOCK*

"You know, I don’t think I like how you keep flirting with that woman."

"You must be joking!"

"All I’m saying is you and Irene look awfully cozy there, that‘s all."

"Oh, go ponce off to your precious Mary!"

*DOCK-SIDE EXPLOSION; SCENE OF WATSON IN HOSPITAL BED; INJURY TO LEFT SHOULDER*

"Huh. They even got your wounded shoulder correct."

"This is. . .insane, Sherlock. NO ONE could know all these things about us. I’m starting to get a little spooked."

*SCENE OF LESTRADE PUNCHING HOLMES, SAYING, "I'VE WANTED TO DO THAT FOR A LONG TIME."*

*snickers* "I’m sure he has."

*scoffs* "In his dreams."

*SCENE OF HOLMES WRAPPED IN A BLANKET AFTER JUMPING INTO THE THAMES*

"You know, Sherlock, if it had been orange, it would have been a perfect match."

*THE FINAL SHOWDOWN*

"Oh, good. Another gun-fight at the OK Corral."

"And a bomb countdown. Of course. Because this movie wasn’t dull and formulaic enough."

"So, in the end, Irene deactivates the bomb and saves the day."

"I TOLD you she was good in science."

*HOLMES EXPLAINING THE PLOT, HIS DEDUCTIONS, ETC.*

"He certainly likes the sound of his own voice."

". . ."

"I saw that look, John."

*IRENE REVEALS HER EMPLOYER’S NAME IS PROFESSOR MORIARTY*

"How. . .that‘s not possible!"

"I TOLD you not to write about our cases on that silly blog!"

"I have NEVER mentioned Moriarty’s name. Not even to Sarah. No one knows about him. I swear it!"

"The writer probably sold his soul to Moriarty to get this dreck made. Of course, I’m sure that madman won’t be as _flattered_ as you were to be mentioned in a movie."

"And it seems they left it open for a sequel." 

"Not if I file an injunction against the studio first."

*shuts down player* "Well, I suppose if there’s one thing to be thankful for it’s that we won’t have to hear any whinging from Mycroft. They didn’t even bother including him in the movie."

*slaps forehead* "MYCROFT! Of course! Why didn’t I see it earlier!?"

"I don’t. . ."

"Think, John. Mary Morstan. Gladstone. Irene Adler. Moriarty. Mrs. Hudson. Our flat. Shooting at the wall. The card games. The injury to your left shoulder. Even the stupid shock-blanket. Only one person, other than ourselves, could have known all those facts. And SOMEONE had to sign off on this movie. So if it wasn’t you, and it wasn’t me. . ."

"You mean to say. . ." *Sherlock leaps off couch, grabs coat, and runs to the door* "Where are you going?"

"To kill my brother."

"Wait!" *grabs coat* "I’m coming with you!"

 

THEN END

**Author's Note:**

> I'm posting some of my old stories to my AO3 account. This one was originally posted to my livejournal in February, 2011.


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